Of rationality in matters of the heart

In one’s quest towards happiness always, one always ends up being in situations that creates further dilemmas for them. Tricky as they can get; can we ever solve them rationally?

Our mind never tends to rule the heart, especially in cases of emotional acknowledgement and retribution and one never even realises that this happens. I often wonder why we never understand this. Is being rational in matters of the heart such a bad idea? Is trying to make sure that we don’t hurt ourselves with the mistakes that we have made before, a wrong choice? How do we justify such choices for our own mind, let alone make our own heart understand these choices?

We often do not understand beyond the choices that we make; however we always avoid making the right choices to keep our hearts happy. We often tend to wonder why we refuse automatic detachment from attachments that were great in the past, just so that we would lose the comfort level that it has created, for us to be useful in the future.

‘My Best Friend’; is a term clichéd for me. We grow up and mature everyday altering our requirements, priorities and emotional attachments. A friend or partner who fulfils these criteria in a certain part of my life does not fulfil the altered needs in another part of my life. So then is it wrong to move on and feel attached to someone who can? If we do move on and find someone else we are often condemned for reducing our previous friend’s importance in our life. His ego bruised, he turns his back on you not realising that he does and feels the same in various parts of his life, or maybe he has done that you at some times in his life. As ironic as this situation gets, we still never understand that we can still be friends and still have more around us, than being stuck on one, who may not be able to fulfil all our criteria.

It is often considered ill behaviour for revolving our friendships and relations around our own needs, but we never realise, that if it wasn’t for those needs, we would have never been friends with those people. We subconsciously attach ourselves to people who can fulfil such needs and desires, fulfil those criteria where we can reciprocate, based on how happy we were kept through our constant interactions with them; how well our emotional needs were met with; and yet we condemn those who follow logic and rationality.

And I ask again… Is being rational in matters of the heart such a bad idea? Is trying to make sure that we don’t hurt ourselves with the mistakes that we have made before, a wrong choice? Is trying to accept change as a constant, a radical decision?

I do not have answers to these questions, though I am searching for them myself.

And I am not interested in giving answers to all of you who read this as well. It’s just an awareness I want to try and create in my mind and in the mind of those others who read and connect with this thought.

After all, awareness of a correction needed, is the first step towards that correction, isn’t it?

Here is a good imitation of the 'Sex and the City's' character 'Carrie Bradshaw's' style.

I am not a big fan of ripping of other writers style... but here goes.. hope you enjoy it... (the content is completely original though)

Shift + Delete = GONE ??

Imagine you spend a morning to write something that could win the booker prize and all’s gone. With a press of two buttons ‘Shift + Del = I’m so stupid’ (how could I?), GONE! In a flash! I wrote something that came to my mind about replacements, substitutes actually, but never mind. Maybe, that wasn’t meant to be. How many exhilarating things in life have we given up saying to ourselves that maybe it wasn’t meant to be? I remember a few, like the Bryan Adams concert; the tickets had sold out, the PS2; prices went up and don’t even want to dredge up the other instances. However, do we lose the possibility of even thinking about these things again? Do we ‘Shift + Del’ them forever, or is there some kind of hidden recycle bin; which neither Apple nor Microsoft has conceived?

Now, having a high paid job could easily get me as many PS2’s, but they don’t get me sprung anymore. No zsa zsa zsu moments happening. It’s recently happened with the Mac Book though. I haven’t voyaged too far with the desire, but still a graduation with the same. Like the Beyoncé concert I went to, was an absolute pacifier to the Bryan Adams concert peeve. It’s still somewhere at the back of my mind nonetheless. Why can’t I ‘Shift + Del’ this reminiscence? Why are we so absent minded with scrapping things we want and have the clearest image with things we don’t even need?

I’m sure China, the land where everything is manufactured, has come up with some technology that could create a back-up for the files that are deleted for good. We just can’t see it! The question is - can they? (Too racist a comment but, It’s high time we accept racist humor) Nobody can! Do we need archaeologists to find it for us? Or should we just get too metronomic with things. I was so excited to write the replacement dilemma and when I mailed it to a friend for him to read it, I didn’t even attach it, deleted it permanently from the PC. It was totally a ‘what-the-fuck’ moment. I stared in disbelief. I wish I had Harry Potter on my speed dial; we could go back in time and retrieve it. It got me thinking on how people just leave us sometimes, dodge our calls and don’t reply to e-mails or text messages. Do we obliterate them or do they do it, sending us on a guilt trip for 5 months at least, with a discounted Louis Vuitton misery bag! Maybe we should leave it to Apple, Microsoft or maybe ‘China’ to figure out.

Of trust in a love relationship...

Ever had trouble trusting your lover again? Well it’s a part of everyone's life. A well tread road for most, a bumpy track for some. Of most things that we cherish in our love relation today, trust primarily seems to hold the most credence. It has been so for years. Time and again we face and walk the same path that we tread a couple of times before.

I sometimes wonder how we can have this amazing capacity to endure the times, when mistrust creeps in and the bond in our love relation becomes shaky. The anger and the rage that builds within us, leaves us thoroughly confused with the phase that our relationship sometimes tends to take us through. And this often leads the relation to its downfall.

We often wonder how we could have fixed this. How I could have made a difference in my relationship? And surprisingly enough there are answers.

We must make sure that we try and not arouse any suspicion in our partners’ mind. Giving her the opportunity to think and say, “Why is he doing that?”, “he’s never done that before”, “That’s very unlike him”, only makes her think that you are unpredictable. The more unpredictable you start becoming in your relationship, the lesser your partner trusts you. One must try and act predictable in a relation to be able to increase the level of trust. Of course, it goes without saying, that one can never be the same person throughout one’s life. Yet I wonder what stops us from saying things to her like; “I might just do silly things and don’t get alarmed or scared, just accept some of my unpredictability and be there for me please.”

Make sure you mean what you say and always say what you mean. We tend to get into ridiculous fights and arguments just because we say something and our tone and body language mean something else. She loses tremendous amounts of energy trying to decipher what you originally said and also makes her believe that she mustn’t trust part of what you always say. This can build cracks in your communication levels that takes a long time to heal.

We must always have faith in our partner’s competence in dealing with situations. We often tend to believe that we must withhold the truth as it would instigate a conversation destructive to the relation; create a drama scene. However this is completely untrue. Truth can be told in loving ways. We must make sure that we do not wait a long time to tell the truth to our partner, lest have him figure it out for himself, as this can create a great barrier between the two. He might feel that you don’t trust him or you don't find him competent enough to handle the truth. Always believe that your partner has the internal strength and capacity to handle any kind of crisis, any kind of situation, which he alone or you together, may come across. And if you ever find him unable, be there to hold his hand always, no matter how difficult the situation gets. Such confidence builds trust which begins to pervade through your relationship.

Secrets in a relationship can often lead to disastrous situations. They take up extremely large amounts of space in a relation. If he feels that you are keeping something from him, he finds it very stressful to walk around with it, uses up a lot of his energy. We seldom tend to realize this, but he may tend to be curious, have mixed emotions and no words to envelope it with. He may wonder if something’s wrong and not be able to ask you, in the fear that he may hurt you, give you the wrong message and he struggles to fill that space. And when he finds it difficult to understand his own emotions he finds it difficult to understand the messages that come from you. However, if , in your growing stages of intimacy, you still find it difficult to disclose more about yourself, more about your inner feelings and your struggles to your partner, realize that as a problem and waste no time in accepting the problem and discussing it with your partner. Remember that he is competent and will be able to deal with these situations with your co operation.

We often think, “what if I ask him about my needs, will he think I am selfish?” One must realize that in a relationship we are together and we make sacrifices but we mustn’t stop thinking about ourselves. We do not have to be selfish or self-centered but we can always discuss our needs and requirements with our partner. And we can be certain that he will respond positively because you knew where he stood and therefore you know where you stand together today.

Of all the issues that we can have in a relationship there are these that can be the ones in our list of priority to build a better bond and a healthy trust level.

We will always have problems in our relationships and we can often feel that there are no solutions but remember there are ways to fix all the problems that we may face.

Is this Love?

Over the years, one always shares many kinds of relationships. The most defining, enriching and fulfilling one is the romantic relationship or what one commonly calls a love relationship. It is difficult to assess whether most of us certainly understand the need and desire of a love relationship, but one considers it to be the most genuine and powerful way to fill one’s life with love, of course, I being one of them.

Much later did I realize that this was completely untrue. Many stories about friends come to mind, one of whom, like many people, thought she would perhaps be lonely, empty or possibly incomplete if she did not have anyone to share her love with. She shared this so called love relationship with a person who was extremely abusive towards her. To make a long story short, I asked her after much desperation, to end this futile relation, often suggesting to her that she would meet another who would love her better.

Well after a long and prolonged separation, many of her friends, of course, offered her well meaning advice – tried to set her up, directed her to clubs, various classes and newer ways of meeting people. But none of them seemed to do the trick. Then I suggested her to volunteer and she did. Volunteering at NGOs and animal shelters across the city had struck just the right chord. This simple act of giving love and caring had acted as a catalyst in changing her life. She was happier than before and it had expanded her definition of love.

Romantic love, marriage, partnership, relationships are all wonderful but there are thousands of other ways of expressing love. One has so much potential in giving love that we often forget this in our quest for seeking love.

One of the most loving times in my life was back in the time when I had taken a break from college education. I was volunteering at one of the most popular animal shelters in my city. Never did I imagine that I would get the opportunity of becoming a surrogate mother to a deer fawn. The experience had completely changed my life and attitude towards love. I was able to spend time with this wonderful little fawn, who would follow me all over the shelter and would tug at my jeans when hungry, so I could feed him with a bottle of milk. Unfortunately I couldn’t continue volunteering at the shelter. A year later I had to revisit the shelter, my guess is that it wasn’t a coincidence, just to find a young deer running towards me when I reached the enclosure.

When we are filled with love, whether the feeling is towards humans, animals or just love of life, we put ourselves in a position to attract love. We change our perspective and become more satisfied. We are often looking for love forgetting that we have so much love to give. Discovering new ways to love and share metamorphoses us into gentler, kinder and wiser human beings. We find ourselves surrounded with so much love than ever before. It isn’t critical whether you want to be in a love relationship or not, whatever your circumstances preferences or dreams, expressing your love is always a good idea.

Monsoons…the most amazing time of the year when you can travel around the Sayhadris and experience what this season has to offer to you. It’s amazing how refreshed you feel by wetting yourself in the rains!

This monsoon, for me, started with a trek to Rajmachi. After an extremely exhausting and tiring walk to Rajmachi, we decided to go to Konkan. Diveagar was the place decided, famous for its golden Ganesh idol, found here in the last decade. Unfortunately the idol didn’t attract us much than the solace the place had to offer. Though we expected to get caught by the rains, they failed to arrive. The weather was sultry but we didn’t care much the moment we saw the beach.

The beach was fantastic. What I really liked about it was how untouched and clean it was. They say not a lot of people visit the place and it was quite true. At about 6.30 in the evening the whole beach was deserted. We were the only people who were there and that just made us drop our ‘oh so mature’ facades! Off we ran along the beach, jumped in the water, rolled in the wet sand and the funniest of all, made sand castles like kids! It was fun to dig the beach like dogs to collect the sand we needed to make our castles!

The walk in the night to eat was nice; dark, with a lot of fireflies around to illuminate the night sky; a view that just can’t be described in words. Lovely modaks awaited us and we scrumptiously gobbled each one down.

The next day we went to Sri Hari Hareshwar, a place of presumably religious interest to the public however fun for us. The town has a historical Shiv temple and one has to take a walk along the circumference of a small hill, adjacent to the temple, to complete the circumambulation (pradakshina). The pradakshina was one fun walk for us. Half of the hill faces the land and the other half facing the raging Arabian Sea.

After a small ascent on the land face we went down a steep decline, about 50 steps, to the edge of the raging sea, stony edge of the hill on one side and the lashing waves on the other. Whoa was I scared at first. This was the very first time I ever saw dolphins. The sight was an absolute delight! Sadly we couldn’t capture them on camera. The walk along the edge was smooth! Smooth as in slimy smooth. The rock surface was full of moss and was slimy and slippery. One of us slipped and fell, but hurt only her ego. The pradakshina was taking long and it got hotter and hotter. Had I mentioned all of this was barefoot?

Now was the last day of our trip. We were supposed to head back and we decided that we will travel from the southern route than the northern. Each of us was crazy and said they wanted to have lunch in Malabaleshwar. The drive back was spectacular. I guess as one of us rightly said it was one time that we really bonded well. It is absolutely astounding how we friends met (thanks Orkut!!!) and had the most brilliant time of our life together on this trip. How amazing that we didn’t even know each other a couple of weeks ago and suddenly became these best of friends!

This is my first day at writing in a Blog. I have actually created this blog to share my travel experiences with all my friends and aquaintances.

Soon I shall write more here and also share pictures to support my stories!!